So, basically...

I have read all my previous posts. And, I don't know the reasons behind some of the angry ones. Why was I angry, I still cannot figure it out. As for now, I have stopped the singing app. I know that is one of my addictions.  And I want to stop all my bad habits, bad everything. I want to repent to Allah, for all my bad deeds. I know, even with this post, Allah sees I am writing this. Allah knows everything, even what's in my heart. Allah knows what is best for me. I am grateful for all His Blessings.  Even meeting AA was a blessing. Our separation is a must. But I will continue to pray for both of us. I pray that Allah will guide both of us to the righteous path. I pray that he will never forget me, until he dies. I know, we are still connected in some ways. I am glad. Sad but glad. May Allah protects me from myself. May Allah forgives AA and me.

Sebetulnya sampai bila-bila pun kita akan sentiasa merasa belum sempat untuk banyak perkara tidak kira berapa lama kita diberi usia di dunia karena kita  selalu rasa  akan punya masa  untuk segala-galanya kita selalu rasa  masa kita cukup  sampai bila-bila walau hakikatnya kita tidak akan pernah tahu berapa lama lagi masa yang ada untuk kita terus bersama perancangan kita  hanya ilusi selagi belum sampai  hari esok yang juga ilusi kerana bila tibanya esok hari ia telahpun menjadi hari ini ya, sebetulnya  perancangan hanyalah penangguhan  dengan nama yang lebih terhormat mungkin ada perkara yang tidak perlu  perancangan yang begitu lama cukup sekadar patah-patah kata juga dengan senyum  yang tidak perlu dibayar tidak perlu tunggu esok, atau lusa atau menunggu hari-hari istimewa agar semuanya jadi sempurna terus saja ucapkan sayangmu tanpa perlu menunggu ini dan itu karena kita tidak akan tahu adakah masih sempat untuk kita  teru...

Ini Ironi Dia hadir di saat aku selalu merasa jelik  dengan diri sendiri di ketika aku merasa tidak punya apa-apa di mana aku hanya nampak buruk  di dalam cermin kaca dan di ketika aku tidak bisa mengukir senyum  walau dalam latar yang gembira Kini dia pergi apabila aku mula rasa sayang  dengan diriku sendiri di ketika aku rasa dunia ini  sudah di telapak tanganku di mana aku begitu manis di pandangan mata semua  yang sebelumnya ini tidak pernah sedar akan hadirku dan  di ketika ini  aku hanya mampu tersenyum menutupi juraian air mata yang terus-terusan bergenang di dalam jiwa IN ENGLISH: This is irony He came around  when I was disgusted with myself when I felt I was nothing and without anything when I could only hate my reflection in the mirror and when i could not afford to smile  at the carefree world Now he left when i finally start to love me when the world is in the palm of my hand when i finally feel less ugly in the eyes of ever...

 How many times already? All because of my reckless behaviour. I almost died in my early 20s because i was reckless with my eating habit, being a bulimic caused my sugar and oxygen level to drop rather fast.  I almost died many2 times later because of my reckless driving..Hmm. So what's next? Can being reckless with my heart kill me too?

'almost' is an exaggeration... when i lost control over the car's brake, and when i pulled the hand brake the car still didn't want to stop, and when the car just swerved into the other lane, and thank God no other cars were on that lane, and just a few seconds later, after i got to reverse the car back into the correct lane, a trailer arrived... and yet i just laughed at everything. and then i continued driving to my destination, as if nothing had happened. i think i have really gone mad. 

 everything has turned pale  black, white and grey the flowers and the leaves wither the earth seems dead, unbearable the breeze no longer whispers calmly my heart feels empty that now you have finally left me everything becomes pale and ugly my heart is wrecked my soul is black i am  dead