So, basically...

if i choose to end my life willingly, in the long run, i will just be part of another statistics that nobody cares. but to the people that loves me purely,  i will always be the big black rock that hangs down from their hearts and the weight will keep on increasing every day. their pain will never go away.

I don’t really want to die, I just want the pain to end. This too shall pass, eventually... 

it's zero gravity there and gravity signifies death pulling me closer towards my grave the land, the dirt and soil the final resting place

it is just that i am not good at lying so it's hard for me to say things that i don't really mean unless i choose to believe what i meant to say, honestly of course, i am not really mean i am just misunderstood

i am happy to be in misery accepting is better than running away just let it be let me be free

a great excuse to cry without revealing the real whys i hate to explain on feelings it is tiring i guess i just believe they do not need explaining and others don't really give a damn about my feelings anyway

i am trying still am to cope with this my lost and regrets over things of the past leaving my presents behind letting time flows forward while i'm still immobilized confusion rules the mind i question death death then questions me i am trapped in my fear of leaving and living do i move on do i stay on it is too unbearable this pain is again, i froze in time

i was ready to let them go. i was prepared for it. i was even told when to get ready for it. yet, the knowledge does not make everything any less painful. the pain is still there, it stays while choking me slowly.

I am still deranged.  The after effect of a drama.

i think i am ready to go back to earth now.

especially if we want to hide from others, or if we just want to be alone. and we may end up hurting less people too, when we left this world.

i am in a cave where no lights or sounds are dwelling darkness engulfing my sanity, slowly chewing on my desire to keep living i am still in the cave still, hovering, still

sometimes, it is easier just to forget. wipe off the memories, even though this may just be an illusion. could i ever forget anything that easily? when i don't know how to forgive yet?

after almost 5 years...