So, basically...

 How many times already? All because of my reckless behaviour. I almost died in my early 20s because i was reckless with my eating habit, being a bulimic caused my sugar and oxygen level to drop rather fast.  I almost died many2 times later because of my reckless driving..Hmm. So what's next? Can being reckless with my heart kill me too?

'almost' is an exaggeration... when i lost control over the car's brake, and when i pulled the hand brake the car still didn't want to stop, and when the car just swerved into the other lane, and thank God no other cars were on that lane, and just a few seconds later, after i got to reverse the car back into the correct lane, a trailer arrived... and yet i just laughed at everything. and then i continued driving to my destination, as if nothing had happened. i think i have really gone mad. 

 everything has turned pale  black, white and grey the flowers and the leaves wither the earth seems dead, unbearable the breeze no longer whispers calmly my heart feels empty that now you have finally left me everything becomes pale and ugly my heart is wrecked my soul is black i am  dead

 My world is in flood, and so does my heart.

It is about time for me to forgive myself, for all my mistakes and my confusion. I'm too old to stay depressed. My time is running out and I do not want to spend my last days in this world blaming myself and others for all the mishaps that had happened. Some things just happened and yet being regretful will never help with anything. I will never able to go back in time to change anything. So the best thing to do is to just follow the movement of time, move forward, move on and never look back, unless to reminisce on those happy times.  Then, I will be able to forgive everyone else.

Moving on is hard. Really hard. But this is something that i must do now. i must move on, without forgetting everything or anything. i must move on with clear mind and soul. i must move on from this clingy feeling. i must accept the fact that he has moved on so long ago. i must move on from hoping for something that will never happen. i must move on from being a crazy ex to really being a good friend.  i must be happy to have and keep this friendship until the end. i must move on from this bitter feeling. no more regrets no more hard feelings. no more childish acts that will just hurt me and him. i do not ever want to lose him again. i do want to be a good friend. i just hope he will ever forgive me. but, if he refuse to do that, i will not hold this against him. i will always pray for his happiness. because knowing that he is happy, is already enough for me. help me God, i need the strength for me to move on, not to forget, but to forgive him, and me.

Let time flows, Let whatever that may, come and go, Let myself go, so that I will never,ever let you go, again, even when, you have long gone.

I must forget some things, to continue living. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or maybe just make it easier for me to forget things. I must forget him.

2020 is and will always be the weirdest year for me. I have learned so many new things this year. And, I have experienced things that I never have expected to experience at this age (other than the covid pandemic) - i lost a lot of weight - i have become more beautiful, yeayy! at least to my eyes. - i have become more versatile in my singing and my song choice - i have met new friends that i actually like to keep as friends, i just hope they will continue to like me too. i know, it is hard to like and love someone like me. - i did some stupid things too and i have acted like a naive child again, yet, i do not have regret over this. i like feeling young and attractive again, even for just a short period of time. - i have experienced a myriad of feelings, happiness, excitement, sadness, depression and still manage to stay alive 🤭 - i finally manage to love myself. I guess the last one is the most important one. I have just realised how destructive self-loathing can be. i know it is too ...

 When I started this year, it was already weird for me. And now the year is almost over, it is still weird to me. 

 To love my love without any conditions, without expecting anything else in return, until the end. I guess, it is better for me to just pray for his happiness, because that will be my happiness as well.