So, basically...

A quote from a current k-drama that I love: " I have no courage to die. But I am sick of cheering myself up." - Jung Haera, BLACK KNIGHT. Agreed. Totally. I will keep on living, these too shall pass, until it is finally time for me to leave. Well...

with suicidal thoughts that I've been having since forever, that seems unavoidable.  Thank God, I still believe in God. And this will keep me alive.

they're the faces of my father,  my mother,  myself.  and a guy that i should not have pushed away, a long, long time ago. he keeps showing up in my dreams, every time I have regrets over things.

need to keep moving, to forget. the pain.

It's gloomy.  My heart is empty. Missing them, dearly.

i choose this simple life. i choose to be alone. and i'm grateful for all the good and the bad things in this short life of mine.

my blood is bitter my heart is impure gone all the sweetness only rage and heartache

is the day, when you realize that the last day you spend with someone you love, was really the last day, ever. It is sadder when you realize this fact, months or years after they left, forever.

even the pictures of them drain my energy. i am emotionally exhausted. these days, anime and toons are the best remedy. they aren't alive or real. great.

i am leaving my trail. so you will find me, one day.

i feel like there are some memories of feelings and events that keep creeping into my consciousness, but i am not sure what they were about. and sometimes, i am not even sure whether those memories are real. maybe they just come from my dreams. i guess, i should just go back to sleep.

to do my job quietly, on my own, with my own ways and values. and continue to be in silence.

it's just like a life sentence for me. and being overly sensitive, is another part of me that I can't stand. it feels like i always have this heavy burden on my shoulders every time. and this is too heart wrenching, making me suicidal since forever. p.s. i miss my mum and dad so much right now!

it's the festive season, but i don't feel like celebrating. i guess, i just wanna die. but i'm not ready for that too. this is really ..... a dilemma.

more specifically, the real life. nowadays, i am just too tired with everything, and i rather stay in my fantasy world.

When you are waiting,  time moves slower than a beaten up snail. When you are the one who cause the others to wait, time moves like a bullet train, and you will feel like the white rabbit in Alice in wonderland.  Unless, you are a VIP and other people's time is irrelevant to you.

my heart is cold forgiveness is light years away i have no regrets...left

nowadays, due to the social medias, everyone wants to become reporters. everyone thinks they need to report something, to EVERYONE! most of the times, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME! SO, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! IGNORANCE IS BLISS!

i know it increases my adrenaline, serotonin and dopamine level to a new height, everytime i feel attracted to someone (or something - like those anime guys, which aren't even real) and i like this since i'm addicted to these love hormones, even when it is just a one-sided, far away, totally unrealistic, crush. but still this is so emotionally draining!

I'll choose the 90's. Because it was the best time for me. And year 2000 onwards are so overrated. I still don't own a flying car. I just got into more problems and more paranoid. Dang!

In fact,  I hate it. It reminds me of my failures to care for my mum and dad. Sometimes,  I do wish I was never born, but that was not a good way of thinking either.

And it's harder for an emotionally retarded like me. Why I couldn't cry during my parents' funeral,  I still don't know. But nowadays,  I miss them both, so much.

I couldn't afford to dream anymore. But I love to dream, even when I find it hard to differentiate between my dreams and my reality,  some times. I guess, dreams are really just for kids.

If not, I will be in this mentally-depressed state of existence forever. But, to forgive and forget? Not a chance.

time moves slowly.  no urgency.  got nothing worth doing.

Let: friendship = trust and acceptance if:         my trust + my acceptance = 0 and: my skepticism + my paranoia = infinity then: friendship = 0 therefore: my circle of friendship = almost nonexistent

with less or no option, the thing that i'm doing now will be something that i 'have' to do, not something that i 'want' to do. this makes everything not fun anymore. without fun, i can't be happy. if i were to be broke or broken, i need to at least have fun in my work. if not, i am better off dead, literally.

as i got older, i've realised that my options are becoming lesser and lesser, and nowadays, i'm mostly running out of options. so my only option, is to just stick to those options i do have. but that's sucks!

as i get older, i prefer to k.i.s.s. - keep it short & simple. time is running out for me, i guess. old age is really the perfect time to k.i.s.s.

i walk alone, i may got lost at times, i may forget where i am, or even who i am. but eventually, i will find my way out, just to get through yet, another path.  and the cycle of losing, missing and finding, will begin, again. a.maze.ing.

i need to force this on myself everyday - to take things slowly.  And so..... inhale, hold it, exhale, inhale, hold it, exhale, ..... and not to forget,  to stare at nature. Then peace will come, slowly.

i could absorb the surrounding emotions easily. i'm overly sensitive to everyone's feelings. even just by physically touching their pictures. and this, is a curse to me. i hate this side of me.

i've no idea. thankfully, i'm still a human.

So, if i happen to like someone who happens to look like me, does that mean i actually happen to like myself? Weird. Confusing.  I used to think I hated myself. Besides, does this mean that I don't really like that person?

it is really frustrating when I feel like i'm missing something, but i just don't know what it is. like when i've finished a certain project, and everyone's thanking me, and yet, i still feel dissatisfied with everything. and my paranoia keeps telling me, that those people, are just being nice to me. anyway, only one thing is certain: i am soooooo... damnnnnnnnn.... tired! damn.

i.am.a.pushover! damn! so hard to say no, without feeling bad about it. i wish people can stop taking me for granted. and for me to be less selfless.

is not something people my age should do. it's too tiring.

i do believe incessantly that if humans can unleash the power of the brain and the mind to its full potential, we can even move mountains,  just by thinking about it. still, i will be too lazy even to think.

i am an amazing eccentric with a superbly genius mind.  and yet, i'm too lazy to do anything.

wishing i could go back to the past. it's too scary for me to move on. and, some things just keep holding me back. how can i let everything go? is that even possible? nope, i guess not.

a friend once told me, we are too old now, to care about what others think of us. i agree. i'll just be me. because that's just who i am.

sometimes, all i need is a hug, total silence, and nothing more. this is called 'understanding'. understood? then, just leave me alone.

my heart, my love, an open ended question. still vacant for more answers. how big is my heart, anyway?

i know, i am not a nice person anymore. but, so what? it's just me.

i ain't paranoid but really, nowadays, it's just me, against the world. and i'm exhausted.

Yes, after 6 years, I finally did it, again. Goodbye old posts. Goodbye, life. As I know it.